She's Almost Two

If someone would ask me if I have ever cried tears of joy, I would answer "yes" and tell them the brief story of the moment my Labor Nurse told me that my second daughter had dark hair but then instructed me not to push since the Obstetrician was not yet in the room. After having my first daughter, blonde, blue-eyed and absolutely beautiful, and being told that my second daughter was going to resemble me, I sobbed with relief, anticipation, and joy. And I pushed.

Now she is almost two. She does resemble me in so many ways, and in some ways that I am reluctant, but willing to admit. She is stubborn and strong-willed, and she has a mean gaze. She is the queen of "No, I don't wanna!" She whines, she screams, and she pinches. But she has the cutest "two teeth" smile with a nose that wrinkles up. She has an adorable infectious laugh. She can give the best hugs with her small arms reaching around to my back, and she can give me the most melting kisses with her soft pink lips. No matter how we try to style her hair, it always ends up with a "fountain" right on top. She is learning her shapes and how to sing her ABC's. She likes to do puzzles. She loves to walk around in her Snow White princess shoes. She likes to ride her roller coaster backwards and her tricycle fast. She needs to have a pillow under her head with every diaper change. She calls animals not by name but by what noises they make (like a quack quack, a meow, a moo), and she loves finding "bigga bugs" anywhere she goes. And when we read books before bed, all she wants to do is hold her blankie, quietly pulling out one thread at a time.

Today when I woke her up from her nap, this is what I found with her crib mates.... they were all on top of her crib, in a row....

Forgotten Memories

Today came with a lot of anticipation and ended with a ton of forgotten memories. For months I had been waiting to attend a special "vaccine" conference at UCI -- designed to help us good-intentioned physicians talk to parents who are hesitant, reluctant, or fearful to vaccinate their children. I have confidence in talking to these types of parents since I know what is safe and what is a myth, but some parents already have their fearful minds set and would rather I offer them a "sub-standard" level of care as their doctor. It doesn't make sense to me, and sometimes it is rather offending. But today's morning at my alma mater left me incredibly hopeful and nostalgic, and many many times I swallowed my tears.

Maria Rodriguez... that was my name for a couple years, well during an acting gig as an undergrad. I was one of the first "actors" who helped train medical students in mock clinical encounters. I had to act like a somewhat troubled teen involved in high-risk behaviors and in desperate need of some counseling. Once I was accepted to medical school, my acting gig was over, for obvious reasons.

Today happened to be the day, 10 years later, that I remembered Maria. At the vaccine conference I ran into Sue, the clinical nurse instructor who hired me and who met with my parents to allay all their fears about what I was getting myself into. The moment I saw her I felt a surge of emotions and flashbacks to life as an undergrad.... my friends, my teachers, my hobbies, my hostess job at Houston's, my Mazda 626, my doc martens, my love of The Cranberries... all these things that I had forgotten. All the things that are not a part of my current life.

After the conference I walked over to the bookstore to finally use a gift certificate I had saved from 2004! Entering into the transformed bookstore, again I found myself choking back tears. I quickly stepped down an aisle of books so I could compose myself. I was surrounded by strangers and a ton of commotion, but I felt like my best friend (K) was right there with me. I must have walked every inch of that bookstore trying to find items to total $105. I ended up with 2 t-shirts for the girls, a new flash drive (pink), and 3 photography books.

I left the bookstore with a chill down my spine realizing how much my life has changed since the last time I had shopped there.... now I have my loving husband, my precious daughters, a wonderful career, and a new passion for a new hobby. Then it happened again... tears, sobbing. I began thinking far into the future when Syd and Mel will be walking a college campus themselves. I will still be "mom," but I won't be there with them. They will be all grown-up. And I realized that I can't miss their childhood for anything... not even to convince one anti-vaccine parent.