Forgotten Memories

Today came with a lot of anticipation and ended with a ton of forgotten memories. For months I had been waiting to attend a special "vaccine" conference at UCI -- designed to help us good-intentioned physicians talk to parents who are hesitant, reluctant, or fearful to vaccinate their children. I have confidence in talking to these types of parents since I know what is safe and what is a myth, but some parents already have their fearful minds set and would rather I offer them a "sub-standard" level of care as their doctor. It doesn't make sense to me, and sometimes it is rather offending. But today's morning at my alma mater left me incredibly hopeful and nostalgic, and many many times I swallowed my tears.

Maria Rodriguez... that was my name for a couple years, well during an acting gig as an undergrad. I was one of the first "actors" who helped train medical students in mock clinical encounters. I had to act like a somewhat troubled teen involved in high-risk behaviors and in desperate need of some counseling. Once I was accepted to medical school, my acting gig was over, for obvious reasons.

Today happened to be the day, 10 years later, that I remembered Maria. At the vaccine conference I ran into Sue, the clinical nurse instructor who hired me and who met with my parents to allay all their fears about what I was getting myself into. The moment I saw her I felt a surge of emotions and flashbacks to life as an undergrad.... my friends, my teachers, my hobbies, my hostess job at Houston's, my Mazda 626, my doc martens, my love of The Cranberries... all these things that I had forgotten. All the things that are not a part of my current life.

After the conference I walked over to the bookstore to finally use a gift certificate I had saved from 2004! Entering into the transformed bookstore, again I found myself choking back tears. I quickly stepped down an aisle of books so I could compose myself. I was surrounded by strangers and a ton of commotion, but I felt like my best friend (K) was right there with me. I must have walked every inch of that bookstore trying to find items to total $105. I ended up with 2 t-shirts for the girls, a new flash drive (pink), and 3 photography books.

I left the bookstore with a chill down my spine realizing how much my life has changed since the last time I had shopped there.... now I have my loving husband, my precious daughters, a wonderful career, and a new passion for a new hobby. Then it happened again... tears, sobbing. I began thinking far into the future when Syd and Mel will be walking a college campus themselves. I will still be "mom," but I won't be there with them. They will be all grown-up. And I realized that I can't miss their childhood for anything... not even to convince one anti-vaccine parent.